Self-Doubt and My Spirtual Journey

It has been just over a year since I claimed the title of “witch.” I’m not sure I will ever feel completely at home with the term. I want to be able to fully embrace my witchhood, but the truth is I never expected to be here. I never expected to be this person. I’ve been an atheist since I was around 14, and even before that my relationships with deities were tainted by hatred or disbelief. Now deity work is a central part of my practice. My life changed forever in the fall of 2024, and it was only then that I started to have spiritual experiences so tangible that I felt certain I was experiencing someone reaching out to me. I didn’t know who at first. A few entities came out of the woodwork, seeking to establish some kind of relationship. I honestly still don’t feel worthy of such attention. I don’t know what any of them have seen in me. At times I was convinced that I was in active psychosis. I felt like there was no way I could be having these experiences. They didn’t fit with my world view or my view of myself. I was at my lowest point, deeply embedded in a relationship with an abuser when they showed up. It started with me constantly hearing my name being called. I remember the voice, light and feminine, but insistent as though what she had to say was of the utmost importance. I spoke with my psychiatrist about it. I tried to drink less caffeine. We adjusted my psychiatric medications. I’ve never heard voices before then. I had a hallucination one night right before my abuser and I got into a pretty serious fight. I was on my way to my parents’ house, far from home. I saw a giant black snake next to me. It was there just long enough to scare the shit out of me. In the blink of an eye, it was gone again. I started experiencing paranormal activity, especially things moving on their own. I frequently hear things in the night being moved around. But honestly, I don’t want to get into the details because I still think I sound a little crazy. That self-deprecation has been a constant theme for me as I have developed my spiritual practice. Are these beings even real or am I just crazy? Am I really a witch, or do I just want to feel special or in control of my surroundings? Is this an example of mass psychosis? There are so many other witches out there. It makes me feel like it can't just be me… But at the same time I kind of feel like a poser. I watch a lot of witchy content. I watch Kelly-Ann Maddox and Jasmyne Ambrosia. Ivy the Occultist. They seem so self assured. I want to feel secure in my witchhood, but the truth is that I don't. There's a million different ways to be a witch, but somehow I am left feeling like the way I am doing it is somehow still wrong. I have to find a way to make peace within myself and accept myself as a witch.

I have been called by Hecate, or at least I think I have. For what purpose I do not know, but I think she means to help me find the right path for me as a witch and as a person. I used to work at a lab. In two years, I never saw a spider there. But suddenly towards the end of my tenure there, they started to appear in my space. I think she knows I am afraid of them so she keeps them at a distance and only sends the cute ones. I wasn't sure it was her at first to be honest. I knew spiders were one of her correspondences, but I thought maybe I was just being superstitiout. But then one day I looked out the window into the grey cloudy sky stretched across the dismal plain before me and I begged her for a sign. I said, “I think you're here with me, Hecate, but I need a sign to be sure. Please give me a sign.” That day when I went to pick up my backpack to go home, there was a tiny little brown sider on it, barely visible. I am ashamed to say that I dropped it, but my arachnophobia is SEVERE. Usually even looking at pictures of them or thinking about them makes me panicky. It was a coincedence that many people would have written off… but in that moment I knew she was there.

I started incorporating her into my practice. I set up an altar for her. I even found a cute little spider decoration for her. I speak to her often. Whether she truly speaks back is a matter of debate. I believe that she does. She has a very interesting personality. It's possible that what I am speaking to is just an archetype that I ascribe to her in my head. Everything that comes back may just be filtered through that lense, but honesly I think her responses are genuine and not just a product of my imagination. There are lots of moments where I doubt myself. I don't really know what she would see in me. I'm a 30 year old burnout working a shitty job with absolutely no prospects. I am over $100,000 in debt , on the verge of bankruptcy. I am traumatized. I have ADHD and Bipolar Disorder. My brain feels broken. I'm forgetful. I lack discipline. I'm inconsistent. What could the great Goddess want with me? What road could she lead me down? But I have to remember that if she has chosen me, she has done so for a reason. It is actually out of respect for her that I have begun to try harder to develop my talents and gifts. There was a period of time where I did not do spellcraft at all. It felt stupid to me. How are herbs and crystals and magic words going to bend reality to my will? I just could not believe that such a thing was possible. Frankly I am still skeptical, but I have resumed my spellcraft in her honor and I will wait to see what happens.

I'm mostly a divination witch. I love tarot, oracle, lenormand, runes, bibliomancy, radiomancy and many other forms of divination and spirit communication. I am pretty confident in my abilities, but I don't often get the chance to read for other people. When I read for myself, a lot of what I “predict” comes true, but at the same time a lot of it doesn't. I think it is pretty well known that predictive divination is kind of imprecise because people change their minds and that changes the situation being asked about. Still, I often take these perceived “failures" to heart. I use divination a lot more for spirit communication and I constantly worry that I am misinterpretting whatever messages are being given, or that perhaps I am just making it all up in my head. That's definitely a possibility, but I believe what I experience is real. At the same time it's hard to feel like a real honest to god witch, especially when the religion and practice that I follow is not normalized or upheld the same way other more mainstream religions are. I think Christians probably feel that same sense of doubt sometimes, but they have a large community of followers to validate their experiences. Most witches don't have that. Some have covens or even regular social groups that can play that role, but most of us don't. I think it takes a strong will and sense of self to be a witch, mostly because we don't have big, open groups to validate us, and many people actively try to debunk us or dissuade us from practicing the way we want to.

Instead of communal support, I have had to find solace elsewhere. I mentioned YouTubers earlier, and I think that is a good place to start, but perhaps the biggest source of comfort for me has been books, both old and new. I take solace in the fact that people have been doing what I am doing for thousands of years. I do not see ancient civilizations as less evolved. Yeah, maybe they didn't have cell phones or computers, but they had to be resilient and self-sufficient in ways that we could not imagine today. I do think there is ancient knowledge that has been passed down through generations about the gods, about herbs and herbalism, and about witchcraft. These people had to rely heavily on herbalism because they didn't have modern medicine and honestly some of the associations and advice are pretty solid. I have always been fascinated by mythology of ancient civilizations. I'm actually just about to look into the Chaldean Oracles for more information on Hecate. In addition to all the old world literature, there is a wealth of books written by modern witches, spiritualists, herbalists, psychologists, etc that can help us understand the things we experience and provide us with instructions for how to improve our practice. The book that is helping me most right now is called Keeping Her Keys by Cyndi Brannen. It talks specifically about Hecate and has helped to give me something to compare my experiences to. I have struggled with self-doubt for the entirety of my relationship with Hecate, but this book has helped validate many of my experiences and has given me new tools, tips, and tricks to continue exploring my relationship with Hecate. Brannen asserts that Hecate expects her practitioners to lead a magical life. She says that one of the best ways to do that is to learn about and follow the moon cycle.

I decided to follow Brannen's advice and familiarize myself with the moon cycle, doing appropriate magic along the way. I started this practice during a waning moon. From what I have seen, waning moons are good for releasing things. Since I have struggle with self doubt and negativity, I decided to center my witchcraft around releasing that negativity. This marks the first time I have done any spell work in months, so it feels like aa big deal to me. I am doing frequent cleansing/ritual baths, trying to send all that negative energy down the drain. I made an herb infused oil which I am using as an addittional form of skin care. The herbs I used all came from the Llewellyn's Book of Correspondences. I am also planning on making a bracelet with natural stone beads that I can wear to ward off negativity, even if it is just coming from me. All of this could just be me manipulating myslf psychologicaally into having more confidence. If that's the case, I am fine with it. While I believe that I am genuinely experiencing and making magic and receiving divine communication, I understand there is a possibility that all of this is just happening in my head. I feel like as long as it is yielding positive results, it is fine. I feel more motivated than ever. I feel passionate. I feel seen and loved by divine entities. I feel truly magical. I know my beliefs do not align with modern scientific understanding, but I think I'm going to just have to be ok with that. That's hard for me, as an ex-atheist who grew up reading Richard Dawkins and Christopher Hitchens. Sometimes I feel like a part of me has died. I still believe in science. I believe the Earth is round. I believe in vaccines and germ theory. I believe in physics. I'm not sure how those beliefs fit together with my new spiritual beliefs, but honestly I don't think I need to have all the answers right now. I only know what I have experienced. I hope my beliefs and understandings will make more sense in time. But until then, I will just keep reading, trying to expand and modify my understanding of the world. I will try to release or at least contain my self-doubt and build up my confidence so I can be the best practitioner and the best person I can be.